Grandma Union

Grandma Union RIP

2007-09-09T22:39:00.002+01:00

That's all folks. Grandma has passed over. She's smoked the last doobie, pissed up the pearly gates and fallen crashing into what kind of hell, I couldn't tell you.

Her final words to me on her resting place are written below. Peace.

Come closer dear...that's right, let old Grandma see you...coff coff...
I want you to tell them...tell them I love them dearly...they have to
understand ...cofff...hackk...nothing this good lasts forever...urgh...

...there is anoth...er...sky...brief...

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

What's next?

The lost art of Yorkshire pudding making

2007-06-05T11:49:00.000+01:00

There's no getting around it. Sunday roast is hard work. You get sweaty, irritable and cry a lot. Then switch off the Hollyoaks omnibus and start peeling spuds.

Here are some puds I prepared on Sunday. All you need is flour, water and a few eggs, mix into a smooth batter, and finally pour them into the moulds filled with (this is the important bit) very hot oil. This makes them instantly puff up around the edges.

Not an Aunt Bessie in sight!

I've done a little detective work and tracked her down to explain her crime of convenience. Granny x
(you may need to turn up the sound, she was quite drunk)

Young punks cause a stir [then take a nap]

2007-06-02T11:39:00.000+01:00

[above] The Stones announced as headline act for Hearing Aid

Does an Iguana have two dicks?

2007-05-24T09:37:00.000+01:00

An iguana called Mozart who lives in Antwerp, (that's in Belgium, my less travelled readers) has had a permanent erection since mating a week ago.
The poor little bugger may need to have his penis cut off.

Luckily, as I found out on a recent visit to the Galapagos iguanas have two penises.
I encountered hundreds of these beautiful reptiles, becoming attached to many of them.

I also found out that, unlike geckos, an iguana's tail doesn't grow back.

Keepers at the Aquatopia Zoo make a decision tomorrow.

Granny x

Hot off the hutch

2007-05-11T11:40:00.000+01:00

Nintendo housewiives training

2007-05-08T08:36:00.000+01:00

Cooking Mama Wii 'Soup'

I'm in love

2007-04-14T21:31:00.001+01:00

Keepon dancing robot

2007-03-30T18:42:00.000+01:00

Like inflicting pain? Become a social worker

2007-03-21T19:17:00.000Z

Old Grandma hardcore plays PS3

2007-03-19T10:19:00.000Z

Gav says

2007-03-01T19:26:00.000Z

How could she do it to Bruno?

2007-03-01T18:49:00.001Z

News just in

2007-02-28T17:31:00.000Z

Today in the news

2007-02-05T09:46:00.000Z

I'm engaged!

2007-01-29T18:00:00.000Z

Hard luck guys,

Ernest has finally popped the question.
I'm so excited. We've already booked a venue and all I'm waiting for is his ring on my finger.

I know, I know, let's hope this one works out.
8th time lucky and all that...

Granny x
(Future Mrs Borgnine)

Dance Granny dance

2007-01-15T14:32:00.000Z

Make your own here

Successful retox meeting

2007-01-05T17:27:00.000Z

A plea for help

2007-01-04T09:13:00.000Z

Dear Grandma,
My friend Anna invited me to go to the lake for the day with her family. Anna thought I was fun to be around, and really hoped I'd say yes.

I didn't. I turned her down. I like Anna a lot, but am self-conscious about taking off my T-shirt. I had nightmares about her family and others at the lake seeing what I saw when I look in the mirror - a scrawny excuse for a man. I haven't gone to the swimming pool in more than a year because I am so self-conscious about my appearance.

Please can you help,
Yours hopefully
HT.

I am glad you contacted me with this problem HT, I think I can help you.
A close friend of mine went through a similar spell of self-doubt. It turns out he was gay.

Next time you see Anna, invite HER on the date!
Get yourself down to KFC and order a family bucket - coleslaw, beans, spare no expense.
Then rent out a manly DVD like Top Gun or Conan the Barbarian.
Lube up, she's yours.

Granny x

Grandma's New Year's Resolutions

2007-01-01T00:01:00.000Z

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

The Michael Jackson History tour finally finishes

2006-12-30T11:17:00.000Z

Mr James Brown RIP

2006-12-25T10:02:00.000Z

Twit of the week

2006-12-24T00:39:00.000Z

follow stuarth at http://twitter.com

xpapr - Rather nifty little wrapping paper thing

2006-12-20T15:39:00.000Z

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

2006-09-25T13:24:00.000+01:00

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders. They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars (about £30) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.

He heard a loud noise around midnight on 13th February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat. "When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up."

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife."

2006-09-04T12:42:00.000+01:00

New Barbie set teaches kids to feed dogs their own shit

2006-08-30T18:21:00.000+01:00

We all know what you were really on YouTube for. Dirty Peter!

2006-08-11T09:00:00.000+01:00

I am of course, the original and still the best geriatric on the web!

Yogic flyers build 'shield of invincibility' around Israel

2006-07-31T09:21:00.000+01:00

Reuven Zelinkovsky, part of a worldwide movement led by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (the former guru to The Beatles), was a colonel in the Israeli army.
Now he has renounced military might to join a squadron of yogic flyers at the Sea of Galilee to throw a "shield of invincibility" around the Jewish state.

Yogic flying, derided by critics as glorified bum-hopping, is the purported ability to levitate through the advanced practice of transcendental meditation, or TM.

Proponents of the art say world peace can be achieved by thousands of simultaneous yogic flyers spread across the globe. Apparently, there is a science involved. To create a decent shield, 265 flyers are needed to bounce at the same time. I say get some heavy hitters involved and cut the number down.
Russell Grant and Christopher Biggins will do anything for publicity.

Witchcraft. Now legal in Zimbabwe

2006-07-19T10:20:00.000+01:00

Zimbabwe has lifted a ban on the practice of witchcraft, repealing legislation dating back to colonial rule.

From July the government acknowledges that supernatural powers exist - but prohibits the use of magic to cause someone harm.

In 1899, colonial settlers made it a crime to accuse someone of being a witch or wizard - wary of the witch hunts in Europe a few centuries earlier which saw many people burned at the stake after such accusations.

Legend of the Nun Bun

2006-06-23T12:00:00.000+01:00

This cinnamon bun bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mother Teresa was found in the Bongo Java coffeehouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

Mother Teresa wrote personally to the coffee shop asking it to stop merchandising items emblazoned with the image of the "nun bun".

Grandma's Road to Germany - Part Three... Does Swede taste better than turnip?

2006-06-17T23:02:00.000+01:00

I don't know why I thought it would be any different. 85 minutes of hell, and a goal-line clearance the highlight of a match. Our pitiful forwards need to be more convincing, especially when the likes of Argentina and Spain are spanking similar teams 6 and 4 nil, thank goodness the French are so awful. How is Sven planning on fixing this? It looks as though our best performer, Beckham, is to be played as a right back against Sweden, who England haven't beaten in 38 years. 0-0 then. TTFN Grandma x

(above) Theo Walcott looks on from the bench

Brazilian tactics revealed!

2006-06-14T09:10:00.000+01:00

Ronaldo will get past defenders by eating them.

Grandma's Road to Germany - Part Two... A trial by hot Coles and Owen goals

2006-06-12T21:19:00.000+01:00

What was I worrying about? England breezed through their first group game, Sven opting for the hotshot pairing of Downing and Hargreaves leading the attack.
England didn’t have it all their way, oh no, a player called Quavers came close on a few occasions, and Santa Cruz was not that far.

Mr Sven is gambling with England’s best chance of winning the World Cup for decades. In interviews the tanned Mekon laughs off any accusation of risk. Blaming the heat, and giving players special time with their families as a reward for their bad performances.

The player’s wives and girlfriends have been making impressive moves off the pitch, taking the local boutiques of Baden-Baden by storm.
Six of them spent £4,000 during a one-hour shopping spree. Rooney’s girlfriend, Coleen, spent the most money on designer items at Monika Scholz, the most expensive boutique in the area. The women chalked up an additional grand on shoes and shirts during a 10-minute period, then retired for drinks. 'I hope England plays well' said Peter Maalassa of Monika Scholz.

Next up is the Soca Warriors. THIS WILL NOT BE AN EASY GAME. I’ve spent many years studying the behaviour of Trinidadians, touring with the Flamingos Steelband. The local people thought I was a witch and tried to hang me. G'ma x

Remember, we’re taking on two countries, which is cheating.

Grandma's Road to Germany - Part One

2006-06-06T21:06:00.000+01:00

Hello Dears,

Sorry if I sound a little out of sorts today, but, the World Cup is almost upon us, and I am sick to the back of my false teeth with Rooney's foot. Rooney is injured, just like a young Jimmy Greaves, and who replaced him? A lanky inexperienced forward with only 8 caps. His name? Geoff Hurst. Ring any bells? (No, not in Ashley Cole's shorts…)
Yes we really are pinning all our hopes on a Rodney Trotter cyborg freak, built by the Hun and sent back in time to take penalties like Chris Waddle. If we win, it won't be anything to do with luck, it will be a miracle.
And what about Owen? Sounds like... The Omen, released today. Eh? Come on, it's no coincidence.
Meanwhile Nancy Dell'Olio has been caught by paparazzi, being drunk. Well, wouldn't you be, to sleep with that Mekon.

That’s all from me, I’ll report again after the first game, and hopefully my spirit will be lifted, just like dribbling George Best.

Peace and love, grumpy Grandma x

I remember the '66 final as if it were 40 years ago. Because it was.

An ancient tribe patiently awaits the return of its divine leader

2006-06-04T12:05:00.000+01:00

He is no mere mortal like themselves, dressed as they are in and straw sheaths to protect their modesty... They believe he is the human face of an ancestral spirit who left their island many moons ago to look for a bride.
Their legend tells how this spiritual ancestor ended up in England, and eventually married a queen. Which explains why the Duke of Edinburgh, who is well aware of his role as a god in the eyes of the Yaohnanen tribe, has established a curious relationship with these people, who dwell in a simple village in the centre of the Vanuatu island of Tanna in the South Pacific.

Such is the revered status the Duke holds among the 400 tribespeople that, as their chickens scratch the dirt, they speak of him with the kind of devotion Catholics reserve for the Virgin Mary.

“We are waiting for him to return to us,” says white-haired Jack Naiva, the aged tribal chief, who thinks the Prince’s 85th birthday, a week today, would be the perfect opportunity.

You can bloody have him.

Children should be seen and not heard... They agree!

2006-05-31T09:21:00.000+01:00

Techno-savvy pupils have adapted the Mosquito alarm, used to drive teenage gangs away from shopping centres.

The alarm, which has been praised by police, is highly effective because its ultra-high sound can be heard only by youths, and some Grandmas, but not by most people over 20.
Schoolchildren have recorded the sound, which they have named 'Teen Buzz', and spread it from phone to phone via text messages and Bluetooth, yes, Bluetooth technology.
Now they can receive calls, texts and big-ups during lessons without teachers having the faintest idea what is going on.

The boy Rooney

2006-05-29T10:15:00.000+01:00

I wish everybody would leave this lovely young man alone.
I was with Wayne last night (his usual Sunday visit), the poor lad was gasping for air as he made his way past my ornate bush, you could see he was in a considerable amount of pain.
As always, a signed napkin and 50 new pounds were left on the sideboard.

I've had it with these snakes!

2006-05-23T17:17:00.000+01:00

'Robin Hood' gang rob gourmet stores to feed Hamburg's poor.

2006-05-17T09:06:00.000+01:00

They dress up in pink catsuits, have names like "Spider Mum" and feel a social obligation to plunder the most expensive restaurants and gourmet delicatessens in town as part of a campaign to help the poor.

The gang members seemingly take delight in injecting humour into their raids, which rely on sheer numbers and the confusion caused by their presence. After they plundered Kobe beef fillets, champagne and smoked salmon from a gourmet store on the exclusive Elbastrasse, gang members thrust a bouquet of flowers into the hands of a shop assistant. Attached was a handwritten note which proclaimed: “Survival in the city of millionaires would be impossible without us!” It was signed by “Spider Mum”, “Santa Guevara” and “Multiflex”.

The latest robbery is part of a pattern over the past several months, suggesting that the thieves deliberately set out to highlight what they perceive as the inequality inherent in German society.

However, the authorities do not agree. Bodo Franz, a police spokesman, said: "They get off feeling they are just like Robin Hood. There are about 30 in the group. But whatever their motives, they are thieves, plain and simple."

Last week the well-heeled citizens of Hamburg's Altona district got a taste of their antics when 30 of them marched into the city's luxury "Fresh Paradise Goedeken" supermarket and walked out five minutes later with £10,000 worth of stolen goods.

Bridge club survives drive-by shredding!

2006-05-16T17:55:00.000+01:00

ITV attempts to save its soul

2006-05-12T09:46:00.000+01:00

ITV is to axe a string of popular TV programmes in a bid to refresh the schedule on its main channel, ITV1. Among the shows being scrapped are Today With Des And Mel, Celebrity Fit Club and drama Rosemary and Thyme. We'll all be sad to see them go.

“We are undertaking a painful, but utterly necessary, process… which is to drop programmes which, by the criteria of most of our competitors, are still performing incredibly well. Why? Because we know that that volume without value is no longer enough…”
Writers and producers are being called on to start thinking about ITV as a place that “wants more than cop shows and period detectives.”

Yes, that's just what we need!

What’s on ITV tonight? Glad you asked:

The Price Is Right
You’ve Been Framed!
Emmerdale and Coronation Street, two soaps that have been running since before Noah learned to swim
A Touch of Frost - Del boy with a tash, and a repeat at that
Tarrant on TV (aren’t foreign people funny?)
Orange Playlist (mobile phone company-branded music-video show)

Keep up the good work.

Blaine stunt ends in failure

2006-05-09T09:43:00.000+01:00

The bastard’s still alive!

The hunt for the Sultan’s Elephant

2006-05-07T09:26:00.000+01:00

Hello dears,

What made this weekends spectacle really magical, wasn’t the 40 foot puppet emerging from a Jules Verne inspired rocket, or a giant wooden elephant strolling around Regent Street.

It was three wonderful things.
No branding, no signposts and no merchandising. A totally free event with no catches! I witnessed a joyous moment when a weird looking French man caught a security guard berating a little girl for standing on the broken concrete, next to the rocket. “I built this, look” he produced his ID to the shocked fellow, “It’s made to be touched, to be jumped on. Idiot!”
I later saw him rummaging through the 90% off sale items in Lilywhites. Bless.

I'm off to fetch my biggest elephant gun, tally ho!

Grandma

Grandma’s back!

2006-05-02T09:09:00.000+01:00

Hello dears,

I’ve missed you all so very much, having spent the last three weeks in a New Zealand prison, accused of smuggling cocaine.

How am I posting this?
Well, you’ll be pleased to hear that a unanimous jury at an Auckland High Court cleared Grandma on all counts!

The crime was actually committed by pilot Sam Ball (right), who stashed the Peruvian Red Bull in four garden gnomes, hiding them in what he thought was a safe old ladies case.
After enjoying four days of chat and all cavity searches, I stood with the lovely officers showing them pictures of my Winnebago, in which I reside.

They agreed that I would have no need for gnomes and that they couldn't possibly be my garden ornaments.
The marijuana I couldn’t explain (Luckily only a small amount was left from the previous night).

At the trial, Ball first claimed he'd been "duped by a Katsina drug gang", and that "his dog Sgt. Pepper was being held by a Nigerian drug lord called Peter".
Ball who defended himself at the trial, later said "I did not know what was in the suitcase and had never been on an aeroplane before", after being reminded that he was flying the plane, he confessed agreeing to act as mule for a "paltry" £450.

Justice John Priestly agreed that Ball was naive, but said, "he still knew he was dealing with drug traffickers". Taking into account "his co-operation with customs and police, back problems, and lack of previous convictions", he was sentenced to 18 years.

It’s good to be back, the free Grandma Union x

Tie your kangeroo down Rolf

2006-04-20T09:13:00.000+01:00

I don't remember Rolf having this much fun with his chunky marker!

Pollyanne Hornbeck's amazing dollhouse

2006-04-19T09:04:00.000+01:00

This woman is obviously insane the attention to detail is most amazing.
Peek into the windows if you dare!

Drunken cow makes sandwich for £85

2006-04-13T09:02:00.000+01:00

Selfridges chef Scott McDonald has created a sandwich, made with Wagyu beef.

Wagyu cattle are one of the most expensive breeds in the world. The Japanese cows are pampered on a special diet including beer, and full body massages.

It will set you back £85.

At least five advance orders have been placed for the McDonald: Wagyu beef and fresh lobe foie gras, with black truffle mayonnaise and brie de meaux, on a bed of rocket, red pepper, mustard confit, and English plum tomatoes on 24-hour fermented sour dough bread. I'll have five please.

Smack my stitch up!

2006-04-10T22:19:00.003+01:00

I'm having lots of fun cross-stitching tonight, or is that dressing...yessing...*..
...Lots of left over sherry.*....*...what? *mmm...

Brand new blog! SUPERMAN HYPE MACHINE

2006-04-07T15:49:00.000+01:00

Hello dears,

Sorry I haven't been in touch for a while, I've been very busy for the past week... working on a new blog with some of my bridge pals!
You can read it by clicking the link (left, under the 'I Power Blogger' logo)

Hope you like it x

A question that has haunted me for years

2006-04-03T09:00:00.000+01:00

Which was better, the Ferrari from Crazy Like A Fox, or the Coyote from Hardcastle and McCormick?

A fine night of pool

2006-04-02T00:00:00.000+01:00

Hello dears,

My head's hurting a little from last nights pool extravaganza... A nice man called Richard escorted me home.
All I can remember is lots af swearing and mumbling and then waking up with this limp? Also £27.90 was missing from my purse.

A good time was had by all.

Grandma x

World's first noodle mash up found in China

2006-03-28T09:00:00.001+01:00

The remains of the world's oldest noodles have been unearthed near Beijing.

The 50cm-long, yellow strands were found in a pot that had probably been buried during a catastrophic flood.

Radiocarbon dating of the material taken from the Lajia archaeological site on the Yellow River indicates the food was about 4,000 years old.

Italian historians are up in arms as the discovery settles the old argument over who created the first string-like food. It was believed Marco Polo introduced it to Italy in 1292 AD. Medieval food historian Massimo Montanari said of the discovery “It look like a Pot Noodle to me”.

Grandma’s Media Menagerie Monday

2006-03-27T09:00:00.001+01:00

A new television channel aimed at the gay community is hoping to launch this year on the Sky digital platform. The delay was to find an original name.
The Queer Channel, hopes to come out in October.

Noel Edmonds has been nominated for his first Bafta, capping a remarkable comeback for the Deal or No Deal host seven years after Noel's House Party was axed. Could this be down to the weird symbols Noel insists on drawing on the back of his hand? Zodiac symbols, question marks and a heart have all featured so far. It could backfire, look what happened to David Blaine after GMTV.

Generally, combining the word of God in the Koran with western-style interpretations has been frowned upon by Islamic religious groups.
Comics and Islam aren’t getting on at the moment, so what do you do? Step forward ‘The 99’ a team of Muslim superheroes, each one embodying the 99 qualities that Muslims believe God possesses. Can you smell burning?

Great news, Channel 4 has commissioned the creators of Wife Swap, to produce ‘Top Dog’ presented by Liza Tarbuck.

And finally… Cat mews, and Postman Pat’s feline sidekick lands her own show called Guess with Jess. 21 years after she originally hit our screens.

That's all for now, I'm off to clean my car because of the cat that hit my screen yesterday. Grandma x

The pie doesn't lie

2006-03-26T16:00:00.000+01:00

Hello dears,

21st century Australia is undoubtedly a success story. Criminal lowlifes, sail to
a desert hell, shorten every word in the English language and start a new life. Songs, flash language, tattoos, convict women mooning wowsers or 'exposing her person.'

For some reason the modern day Australian doesn't like being reminded that they were once part of the British Empire, and to the untrained eye all trace of this heritage has been wiped out.

The proof is in the pudding, or in this case the pie! The Pie Floater — a meat pie “floating” in sea of mushy pea soup, with a squirt of tomato sauce on top. This poor bastard child of our own much loved Pukka® and mushy pea combination is the preferred choice of the working class Aussie. The pie symbolising the convict boat and ketchup, the conflict with native Aborigines over land.

Grandma Union

You never write

2006-03-25T09:00:00.000Z

Now there's no excuse not to write to grandma.

Dear Grandma, can I have five pounds...

Sweet meowsic

2006-03-24T09:00:00.000Z

In order to raise the spirits of an Italian prince burdened by the cares of his position, a musician created for him a cat piano. The musician selected cats whose natural voices were at different pitches and arranged them in cages side by side, so that when a key on the piano was depressed, a mechanism drove a sharp spike into the appropriate cat’s tail. The result was a melody of meows that became more vigorous as the cats became more desperate. Who could not help but laugh at such music? Thus was the prince raised from his melancholy.

Budget has no effect on sex life

2006-03-23T09:00:00.002Z

Like a lot of other older ladies I’ve given up on finding love.

Instead I prefer a wide selection of fuck buddies.
Last night I made a phone call. Bob is one of my favourites.
Uncharacteristically I broke the no conversation rule and asked him what he thought of the budget.
He turned and muttered a reply in his native Greek.

"I save money on the condom, but pay more on the cigarette afterwards."

The words resounded in my head as he turned off the light.

Obscene post

2006-03-15T21:00:00.000Z

Hello again dears,

On a recent visit to Paris I was quite disturbed to see semi-clad women draping themselves around lampposts.

On closer inspection I discovered that they were in fact a shameless promotion for the Parisian franchise of Stringfellows!

This truly disgusting piece of French deception had me so incensed, that I felt it was my duty as a Briton to visit this club, and give the owners a piece of my mind.

Report to follow,

Grandma Union

Hot Desert Knights

2006-03-14T09:00:00.000Z

A big thank you to Steve Parker, who sent me his DVD called Hot Desert Knights! Unfortunately I don't know what a DVD is.

I do love a good western. John Wayne, now there was a REAL man.

Grandma

To deal or not to deal?

2006-03-13T09:00:00.000Z

Am I the only one addicted to the amazing piece of genius that is Deal Or No Deal? Every day at 4.15pm
I tune in for Noel's quick witted prose.

Seeing him next to all those red boxes sends shivers down my spine!

And that evil dealer...through my sources I hear it's the producer.
He has a computer programme that gives him a band that he can offer within - depending on how the person is projecting themselves! Have you noticed how much his offers have reduced since the early days?

Grandma Union

'Hoodie' hat ban on gran

2006-03-10T09:00:00.000Z

Betty Willbraham was ordered to take off her rain hat in a pub — because it posed a security risk.

Betty, 82, was treated like a ‘hoodie’ yob and told to ditch her headgear if she wanted to be served.
Retired teacher Betty a member of the Women’s Institute for more than 40 years, had only popped in at lunchtime for a meal and half a pint of Guinness.

She said: “I’ve never heard of a hatless pub. How ridiculous!”
“It’s the first time I’ve ever been asked to remove it — and I’ve been in that pub several times before.”
“I’m of a generation who would always wear a hat for lunch.”

Licensee Tony Love said it was pub policy to ask people to remove their hats.
“We cannot be seen to discriminate between the youths and the elderly. The world is changing.”

The last time I went down the Cock and Feathers
the ONLY thing I was wearing was a hat.

Grandma

Old Grandma Hardcore

2006-03-06T09:00:00.000Z

Hello dears,

I’ve not been feeling myself lately.

My physician decided I needed some sea air, so I jumped on the first plane to Cleveland to visit my cousin Old Grandma Hardcore.

I knew the old bird would fill me with good spirits!

As my cab pulled up to Hardcore Heights, I spied OGHC sitting on her porch in a cloud of smoke! Thrusting a twenty into the driver’s face
I started to run.

Delving into my travel bag my hand found a half finished bottle of Shampers I’d been nurturing, and tipped it over her.

OGHC was quite upset, as she’d only just started on the doobie.

We talked for hours, and after fiddling with her joy pads for a while, played a game called Midnight Club 3: DUB Edition Remix, which was jolly good fun.

Laters,

Grandma Union

I've found Jesus!

2006-02-28T20:00:00.000Z

In my pancake.

Happy Shrove Tuesday everybody!
Keep tossing,

Grandma x

The Big Chill 4th - 6th August

2006-02-19T09:25:00.000Z

Hello dears,
Just a quick reminder to those who haven't bought their Big Chill festival tickets yet.
The Big Chill
They're going to sell out quicker this year as there's no Glastonbury.

If you're not thinking of going, here's what you're missing.
(picture) my two lovely niece's. Keep practicing Hannah and Brooke!

Valentine from Ernest Borgnine

2006-02-14T09:00:00.000Z

Suck on this

2006-02-07T09:00:00.000Z

The mothers who ‘starred’
in the controversial programme Extraordinary Breastfeeding are no better than a Goat living in Somalia. And here’s the proof…

This is a picture of a "city goat" in the streets of Burco. The pouch into which this goat's tits are dipped is used to prevent the young one from suckling without permission. This extraordinary garment is an ingenious way of ensuring equal distribution of milk between the goat’s young and the people.

Spanish festival fun

2006-02-06T09:00:00.000Z

On the 28th January Valencia celebrated G.A.V day, like G.A.Y but with more hair.

Valencians of all ages took part in the festivities. This meant wearing a beard and riding roller coasters all weekend. I was violently sick. Luckily my beard deflected most of the chunks away from my snowboard outfit, and onto a bearded girl beside me. What fun!

Stella gets the hump over camel pie at Grand Union

2006-02-05T11:57:00.000Z

Hello again dears,
Whilst reading the weekend papers I stumbled across this shocking piece of Journalism…

A pub, which put camel, llama and zebra on the menu, has come under fire from Stella McCartney.

The celebrity criticised the Grand Union pub, for serving diners with pies filled with camel and chickpeas, or zebra and root vegetables in tomato sauce, both priced at £9.50.

A llama with figs and sultanas in tomato sauce is no longer available because the meat is now out of season.

Fashion designer McCartney said: "What's cool and gastronomic about eating camels and llama? In this day and age I am shocked that people still act in such a medieval way. They should be ashamed of themselves."

“Grand Union's menu is not a gastronomic experience. This is a cynical marketing ploy to make the headlines out of defenceless wild animals. In a civilised society, we should be encouraging people to conserve our wildlife not eat it into extinction."

I really can't see why Miss McCartney has a problem. On my travels I discovered North African cuisine and camel hump is a 'delicacy' in Libya.
I've hunted camel, tracking one for days until the bastard is close enough to garrotte.

I tried camel toe pie on the same trip, which was an experience too.

Grandma Union

Cheese bake challenge

2006-02-01T09:53:00.000Z

Hello Dears,
I had a lovely cooking request from a fellow galloping gourmet yesterday:

Hi Grandma I'm having a pasta cheese bake tonight.
Is there any relish you would recommend adding?
I like it plain but you never know Grandma may
have a surprise up her sleeve. Rob.

I haven't made a pasta bake and don't intend to,
but I CAN help you with dessert.
For a quick, cheap, and low-fat chocolate mousse,
buy one from Tesco.

I hope this helps Robert.
Toodle-flap.
Grandma

P.s. up my sleeve I have a tissue with dried blood on it.

A fabulous gift!

2006-01-24T10:37:00.000Z

Thank you Leah Kluckow for sending me this lovely hand stitched brooch!
I'm wearing it now.

Grandma Union.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

2006-01-23T09:00:00.001Z

Did anyone watch Commando on Channel 5 last night?

"I thought you said you were gonna kill me last?!?"
"I lied."

Classic.

I'm good friends with Arnold from when he lived in Stratford back in the 1970's. Thick as a plank, but he had great teeth.

This was taken last year when I was in California. He's just remembered that I paid for his first ever set of casting shots.

I didn't ask for any money, I knew he would be a big star and that was payment enough.
I would do things differently now I know he's famous. I should have slept with him for the story.

The Duck & the Devil

2006-01-22T17:30:00.000Z

My grandchildren stayed over this weekend. Johnny is simple like his father. He was playing out in the woods with his slingshot. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw my pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved. In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the woodpile, only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day I said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes. After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's he finally couldn't stand it any longer.

He came to me and confessed that he had killed the duck. I knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing. I didn’t say anything because whatever is in your past, whatever you have done...
The devil will rise from his stinking pit and take your eyes.

Thought for the day... and every day thereafter:

Don’t kill my duck.

Apple, Quince, Ginger & Cranberry Pie.

2006-01-20T12:52:00.000Z

With a few additions, apple pie takes on a springtime air. Look for quinces in specialty markets, and combine several different kinds of apples -- 'McIntosh', 'Cortland', 'Spencer', 'Russet', etc for the best flavour. Serve with vanilla ice cream and dust with cocaine.
My grandchildren can never resist an extra slice. Happy baking!

4 to 5 large tart cooking apples,
peeled and sliced
2 quinces, peeled and sliced
1/2 cup dried cranberries
3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup diced candied ginger
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 gram cocaine
top and bottom crust for a 9-inch pie

Preheat oven to 425° F. Combine the filling ingredients in a mixing bowl and toss to mix well. Spoon into an unbaked 9-inch pie shell and cover with top crust. I like to twist strips of the pastry and lay them like a lattice. Bake for 10 minutes, reduce heat to 325°, and bake for 40 minutes, or until the crust is golden. Serves 1.

How to look after your hardworking creative.

2006-01-19T17:18:00.000Z

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Have the brief ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a great brief ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most creatives are hungry when they get in and the prospect of a good brief is part of the warm welcome needed.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the agency just before your creative arrives. Gather up books, toys, paper, etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

Prepare the producers. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the client, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the producers to be quiet. Be happy to see him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the day his. Never complain if he comes in late or goes out for long lunches, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need to relax.

Your goal? Try to make sure the agency is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your creative can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the boardroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the creative idea and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

I hope this helps you in your day-to-day office relations, remember a good account person always knows her place.

That's all for now, I'm off to empty my bag.
Visit me again soon!

Grandma Union. Westside.

2006-01-19T14:56:00.000Z

Hello dears,
Welcome to my blog. You've grown since the last time you visited!
I'll be keeping you up to date with all the gossip, sharing my recipes and boring the hell out of you with all my stories.

Grandma Union. Peace... out.