Grandma Union

Grandma died listening to...

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

World's first noodle mash up found in China

The remains of the world's oldest noodles have been unearthed near Beijing.

The 50cm-long, yellow strands were found in a pot that had probably been buried during a catastrophic flood.

Radiocarbon dating of the material taken from the Lajia archaeological site on the Yellow River indicates the food was about 4,000 years old.

Italian historians are up in arms as the discovery settles the old argument over who created the first string-like food. It was believed Marco Polo introduced it to Italy in 1292 AD. Medieval food historian Massimo Montanari said of the discovery “It look like a Pot Noodle to me”.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Grandma’s Media Menagerie Monday

A new television channel aimed at the gay community is hoping to launch this year on the Sky digital platform. The delay was to find an original name.
The Queer Channel, hopes to come out in October.

Noel Edmonds has been nominated for his first Bafta, capping a remarkable comeback for the Deal or No Deal host seven years after Noel's House Party was axed. Could this be down to the weird symbols Noel insists on drawing on the back of his hand? Zodiac symbols, question marks and a heart have all featured so far. It could backfire, look what happened to David Blaine after GMTV.

Generally, combining the word of God in the Koran with western-style interpretations has been frowned upon by Islamic religious groups.
Comics and Islam aren’t getting on at the moment, so what do you do? Step forward ‘The 99’ a team of Muslim superheroes, each one embodying the 99 qualities that Muslims believe God possesses. Can you smell burning?

Great news, Channel 4 has commissioned the creators of Wife Swap, to produce ‘Top Dog’ presented by Liza Tarbuck.

And finally… Cat mews, and Postman Pat’s feline sidekick lands her own show called Guess with Jess. 21 years after she originally hit our screens.

That's all for now, I'm off to clean my car because of the cat that hit my screen yesterday. Grandma x

Sunday, March 26, 2006

The pie doesn't lie

Hello dears,

21st century Australia is undoubtedly a success story. Criminal lowlifes, sail to
a desert hell, shorten every word in the English language and start a new life. Songs, flash language, tattoos, convict women mooning wowsers or 'exposing her person.'

For some reason the modern day Australian doesn't like being reminded that they were once part of the British Empire, and to the untrained eye all trace of this heritage has been wiped out.

The proof is in the pudding, or in this case the pie! The Pie Floater — a meat pie “floating” in sea of mushy pea soup, with a squirt of tomato sauce on top. This poor bastard child of our own much loved Pukka® and mushy pea combination is the preferred choice of the working class Aussie. The pie symbolising the convict boat and ketchup, the conflict with native Aborigines over land.

Grandma Union

Saturday, March 25, 2006

You never write

Now there's no excuse not to write to grandma.

Dear Grandma, can I have five pounds...

Friday, March 24, 2006

Sweet meowsic

In order to raise the spirits of an Italian prince burdened by the cares of his position, a musician created for him a cat piano. The musician selected cats whose natural voices were at different pitches and arranged them in cages side by side, so that when a key on the piano was depressed, a mechanism drove a sharp spike into the appropriate cat’s tail. The result was a melody of meows that became more vigorous as the cats became more desperate. Who could not help but laugh at such music? Thus was the prince raised from his melancholy.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Budget has no effect on sex life

Like a lot of other older ladies I’ve given up on finding love.

Instead I prefer a wide selection of fuck buddies.
Last night I made a phone call. Bob is one of my favourites.
Uncharacteristically I broke the no conversation rule and asked him what he thought of the budget.
He turned and muttered a reply in his native Greek.

"I save money on the condom, but pay more on the cigarette afterwards."

The words resounded in my head as he turned off the light.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Obscene post

Hello again dears,

On a recent visit to Paris I was quite disturbed to see semi-clad women draping themselves around lampposts.

On closer inspection I discovered that they were in fact a shameless promotion for the Parisian franchise of

This truly disgusting piece of French deception had me so incensed, that I felt it was my duty as a Briton to visit this club, and give the owners a piece of my mind.

Report to follow,

Grandma Union

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Hot Desert Knights

A big thank you to Steve Parker, who sent me his DVD called Hot Desert Knights! Unfortunately I don't know what a DVD is.

I do love a good western. John Wayne, now there was a REAL man.


Monday, March 13, 2006

To deal or not to deal?

Am I the only one addicted to the amazing piece of genius that is Deal Or No Deal? Every day at 4.15pm
I tune in for Noel's quick witted prose.

Seeing him next to all those red boxes sends shivers down my spine!

And that evil dealer...through my sources I hear it's the producer.
He has a computer programme that gives him a band that he can offer within - depending on how the person is projecting themselves! Have you noticed how much his offers have reduced since the early days?

Grandma Union

Friday, March 10, 2006

'Hoodie' hat ban on gran

Betty Willbraham was ordered to take off her rain hat in a pub — because it posed a security risk.

Betty, 82, was treated like a ‘hoodie’ yob and told to ditch her headgear if she wanted to be served.
Retired teacher Betty a member of the Women’s Institute for more than 40 years, had only popped in at lunchtime for a meal and half a pint of Guinness.

She said: “I’ve never heard of a hatless pub. How ridiculous!”
“It’s the first time I’ve ever been asked to remove it — and I’ve been in that pub several times before.”
“I’m of a generation who would always wear a hat for lunch.”

Licensee Tony Love said it was pub policy to ask people to remove their hats.
“We cannot be seen to discriminate between the youths and the elderly. The world is changing.”

The last time I went down the Cock and Feathers
the ONLY thing I was wearing was a hat.


Monday, March 06, 2006

Old Grandma Hardcore

Hello dears,

I’ve not been feeling myself lately.

My physician decided I needed some sea air, so I jumped on the first plane to Cleveland to visit my cousin Old Grandma Hardcore.

I knew the old bird would fill me with good spirits!

As my cab pulled up to Hardcore Heights, I spied OGHC sitting on her porch in a cloud of smoke! Thrusting a twenty into the driver’s face
I started to run.

Delving into my travel bag my hand found a half finished bottle of Shampers I’d been nurturing, and tipped it over her.

OGHC was quite upset, as she’d only just started on the doobie.

We talked for hours, and after fiddling with her joy pads for a while, played a game called Midnight Club 3: DUB Edition Remix, which was jolly good fun.


Grandma Union