Grandma Union

Grandma died listening to...

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Children should be seen and not heard... They agree!

Techno-savvy pupils have adapted the Mosquito alarm, used to drive teenage gangs away from shopping centres.

The alarm, which has been praised by police, is highly effective because its ultra-high sound can be heard only by youths, and some Grandmas, but not by most people over 20.
Schoolchildren have recorded the sound, which they have named 'Teen Buzz', and spread it from phone to phone via text messages and Bluetooth, yes, Bluetooth technology.
Now they can receive calls, texts and big-ups during lessons without teachers having the faintest idea what is going on.

Monday, May 29, 2006

The boy Rooney

I wish everybody would leave this lovely young man alone.
I was with Wayne last night (his usual Sunday visit), the poor lad was gasping for air as he made his way past my ornate bush, you could see he was in a considerable amount of pain.
As always, a signed napkin and 50 new pounds were left on the sideboard.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

I've had it with these snakes!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

'Robin Hood' gang rob gourmet stores to feed Hamburg's poor.

They dress up in pink catsuits, have names like "Spider Mum" and feel a social obligation to plunder the most expensive restaurants and gourmet delicatessens in town as part of a campaign to help the poor.

The gang members seemingly take delight in injecting humour into their raids, which rely on sheer numbers and the confusion caused by their presence. After they plundered Kobe beef fillets, champagne and smoked salmon from a gourmet store on the exclusive Elbastrasse, gang members thrust a bouquet of flowers into the hands of a shop assistant. Attached was a handwritten note which proclaimed: “Survival in the city of millionaires would be impossible without us!” It was signed by “Spider Mum”, “Santa Guevara” and “Multiflex”.

The latest robbery is part of a pattern over the past several months, suggesting that the thieves deliberately set out to highlight what they perceive as the inequality inherent in German society.

However, the authorities do not agree. Bodo Franz, a police spokesman, said: "They get off feeling they are just like Robin Hood. There are about 30 in the group. But whatever their motives, they are thieves, plain and simple."

Last week the well-heeled citizens of Hamburg's Altona district got a taste of their antics when 30 of them marched into the city's luxury "Fresh Paradise Goedeken" supermarket and walked out five minutes later with £10,000 worth of stolen goods.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Bridge club survives drive-by shredding!

Friday, May 12, 2006

ITV attempts to save its soul

ITV is to axe a string of popular TV programmes in a bid to refresh the schedule on its main channel, ITV1. Among the shows being scrapped are Today With Des And Mel, Celebrity Fit Club and drama Rosemary and Thyme. We'll all be sad to see them go.

“We are undertaking a painful, but utterly necessary, process… which is to drop programmes which, by the criteria of most of our competitors, are still performing incredibly well. Why? Because we know that that volume without value is no longer enough…”

Writers and producers are being called on to start thinking about ITV as a place that “wants more than cop shows and period detectives.”

Yes, that's just what we need!

What’s on ITV tonight? Glad you asked:

The Price Is Right
You’ve Been Framed!
Emmerdale and Coronation Street, two soaps that have been running since before Noah learned to swim
A Touch of Frost - Del boy with a tash, and a repeat at that
Tarrant on TV (aren’t foreign people funny?)
Orange Playlist (mobile phone company-branded music-video show)
Keep up the good work.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Blaine stunt ends in failure

The bastard’s still alive!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

The hunt for the Sultan’s Elephant

Hello dears,

What made this weekends spectacle really magical, wasn’t the 40 foot puppet emerging from a Jules Verne inspired rocket, or a giant wooden elephant strolling around Regent Street.

It was three wonderful things.
No branding, no signposts and no merchandising. A totally free event with no catches!
I witnessed a joyous moment when a weird looking French man caught a security guard berating a little girl for standing on the broken concrete, next to the rocket. “I built this, look” he produced his ID to the shocked fellow, “It’s made to be touched, to be jumped on. Idiot!”
I later saw him rummaging through the 90% off sale items in Lilywhites. Bless.

I'm off to fetch my biggest elephant gun, tally ho!


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Grandma’s back!

Hello dears,

I’ve missed you all so very much, having spent the last three weeks in a New Zealand prison, accused of smuggling cocaine.

How am I posting this?

Well, you’ll be pleased to hear that a unanimous jury at an Auckland High Court cleared Grandma on all counts!

The crime was actually committed by pilot Sam Ball (right), who stashed the Peruvian Red Bull in four garden gnomes, hiding them in what he thought was a safe old ladies case.
After enjoying four days of chat and all cavity searches, I stood with the lovely officers showing them pictures of my Winnebago, in which I reside.

They agreed that I would have no need for gnomes and that they couldn't possibly be my garden ornaments.

The marijuana I couldn’t explain (Luckily only a small amount was left from the previous night).

At the trial, Ball first claimed he'd been "duped by a Katsina drug gang", and that "his dog Sgt. Pepper was being held by a Nigerian drug lord called Peter".

Ball who defended himself at the trial, later said "I did not know what was in the suitcase and had never been on an aeroplane before", after being reminded that he was flying the plane, he confessed agreeing to act as mule for a "paltry" £450.

Justice John Priestly agreed that Ball was naive, but said, "he still knew he was dealing with drug traffickers".
Taking into account "his co-operation with customs and police, back problems, and lack of previous convictions", he was sentenced to 18 years.

It’s good to be back,
the free Grandma Union x