Grandma Union

Grandma died listening to...

Friday, June 23, 2006

Legend of the Nun Bun

This cinnamon bun bearing an uncanny resemblance to Mother Teresa was found in the Bongo Java coffeehouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

Mother Teresa wrote personally to the coffee shop asking it to stop merchandising items emblazoned with the image of the "nun bun".

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Grandma's Road to Germany - Part Three... Does Swede taste better than turnip?

I don't know why I thought it would be any different. 85 minutes of hell, and a goal-line clearance the highlight of a match. Our pitiful forwards need to be more convincing, especially when the likes of Argentina and Spain are spanking similar teams 6 and 4 nil, thank goodness the French are so awful. How is Sven planning on fixing this? It looks as though our best performer, Beckham, is to be played as a right back against Sweden, who England haven't beaten in 38 years. 0-0 then. TTFN Grandma x

(above) Theo Walcott looks on from the bench

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Brazilian tactics revealed!

Ronaldo will get past defenders by eating them.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Grandma's Road to Germany - Part Two... A trial by hot Coles and Owen goals

What was I worrying about? England breezed through their first group game, Sven opting for the hotshot pairing of Downing and Hargreaves leading the attack.
England didn’t have it all their way, oh no, a player called Quavers came close on a few occasions, and Santa Cruz was not that far.

Mr Sven is gambling with England’s best chance of winning the World Cup for decades. In interviews the tanned Mekon laughs off any accusation of risk. Blaming the heat, and giving players special time with their families as a reward for their bad performances.

The player’s wives and girlfriends have been making impressive moves off the pitch, taking the local boutiques of Baden-Baden by storm.
Six of them spent £4,000 during a one-hour shopping spree. Rooney’s girlfriend, Coleen, spent the most money on designer items at Monika Scholz, the most expensive boutique in the area. The women chalked up an additional grand on shoes and shirts during a 10-minute period, then retired for drinks. 'I hope England plays well' said Peter Maalassa of Monika Scholz.

Next up is the Soca Warriors. THIS WILL NOT BE AN EASY GAME. I’ve spent many years studying the behaviour of Trinidadians, touring with the Flamingos Steelband. The local people thought I was a witch and tried to hang me. G'ma x

Remember, we’re taking on two countries, which is cheating.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Grandma's Road to Germany - Part One

Hello Dears,

Sorry if I sound a little out of sorts today, but, the World Cup is almost upon us, and I am sick to the back of my false teeth with Rooney's foot. Rooney is injured, just like a young Jimmy Greaves, and who replaced him? A lanky inexperienced forward with only 8 caps. His name? Geoff Hurst. Ring any bells? (No, not in Ashley Cole's shorts…)
Yes we really are pinning all our hopes on a Rodney Trotter cyborg freak, built by the Hun and sent back in time to take penalties like Chris Waddle. If we win, it won't be anything to do with luck, it will be a miracle.
And what about Owen? Sounds like... The Omen, released today. Eh? Come on, it's no coincidence.
Meanwhile Nancy Dell'Olio has been caught by paparazzi, being drunk. Well, wouldn't you be, to sleep with that Mekon.

That’s all from me, I’ll report again after the first game, and hopefully my spirit will be lifted, just like dribbling George Best.

Peace and love, grumpy Grandma x

I remember the '66 final as if it were 40 years ago. Because it was.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

An ancient tribe patiently awaits the return of its divine leader

He is no mere mortal like themselves, dressed as they are in and straw sheaths to protect their modesty... They believe he is the human face of an ancestral spirit who left their island many moons ago to look for a bride.
Their legend tells how this spiritual ancestor ended up in England, and eventually married a queen. Which explains why the Duke of Edinburgh, who is well aware of his role as a god in the eyes of the Yaohnanen tribe, has established a curious relationship with these people, who dwell in a simple village in the centre of the Vanuatu island of Tanna in the South Pacific.

Such is the revered status the Duke holds among the 400 tribespeople that, as their chickens scratch the dirt, they speak of him with the kind of devotion Catholics reserve for the Virgin Mary.

“We are waiting for him to return to us,” says white-haired Jack Naiva, the aged tribal chief, who thinks the Prince’s 85th birthday, a week today, would be the perfect opportunity.

You can bloody have him.